after 3 years struggling with myself

i wish i could back to 3 years ago. when i might not know you. when i might not know what internet is. when i still pure and hangout with my friends cheerfully. maybe i wouldn't end up loving you.

loving you is not a crime, it's normal. it came from the deepest of my heart.

loving you is not a sin, it's legal and humanized.

loving you is my choice. if you plead me and asking me to stop loving you, i just could not.

loving you is my choice, even if you're with the other woman WHICH IS better than me.

truthfully this is my first time hold a heartache so long and so deep. never shared it to anyone. just keep it my self, alone and until numb.

this is not fling, it's long lasting. do you think or considering me as a child or hubbub teenage that have crush on you? how come teenage can loving one person for 3 yrs even she knows that her love is unrequited?

i never ask you to love me or to give your affection to me. i never ask you to be my boyfriend, i still have pride.

i even support you to back to your ex girlfriend, and you do that. i smile outside but i feel painful inside. i am a good pretender.

do you know how happy I am when you replied my chat even just a simple words like 'hey, yes, i'm fine' ?

do you know that i always smile like crazy when you ask me "how have you been? what r u doin these days?"

do you know how curious i am stalking your facebook, reading your status update and comment?

do you know how broken i am when i read you're now is in relationship (again) with her?

do you know how excited i am hearing your story about some geek stuff even i don't know at all?

i wanna blame you but i don't have right to. that's your choice to be with her.

i even wanna scream out loud to you, to say what i feel. to say that i really love you even i don't know the reason.

i even still imagine that we are supposed to be together EVEN I know it would be NEVER HAPPEN, even in the next life.

so what i want to do is just erasing you from my mind. if i could. IF I COULD.

To Mr xxx, just be happy. with her.

Ekekekek

suddenly I feel want to typing about anything. uhm... not anything but some randomness about my almost-perfect life.

all of my exams are finally over. the last was tv announcing stuffs and we all went to outta town done our outdoor exams. here all my hubbubs start hahaha.

for the very 1st time i was so excited and thought that it'll be really fun. and in fact yes, it was. i even meet my crushy-one sided-unrequited love. hahahaha sounds quirky bcuz you know... i never felt this feeling about 3 yrs past after the incident hahaha but ok, i was going to move on. 30% still on progress.

he's kind, not really a good looking but i prefer inside not appearance (seriously i mean, who's gonna love the drop-dead gorgeous man if he's stinky and morons?!) okay next. he's religious and generous. having a good academic and non-academic skills. he was in charged being an artsy people behind the art some stuffs makers. OK STOP I DON'T WANT TO BE........... suspicious hahahahaha. *not only me who feel the same. i even have 2 another friends which was in the same situation as me. okay, hmmm i'm not mentioning you. the secret is save* hahaha

okay so my day outta town was so hectic but i felt happy. stayed in the same room with my crazy mate, confess about each others crush and end up munching noodles in the early morning. like i never do that before hahaha.

so the last day is a shocked day. i was choosen being the queen and I heard that some girls really wished that she were the queen. but sorry bit*ch i stole your crown muahahahaha.

now i have 2 months off during fasting month and thought is gonna be a long boring holiday since i'm not going to meet up. but hey, who the hell will care? like he'll care? hahaha well I'm not suppose to say this but you, yes you is really popping and spinning in my head. husshh hussh go away!

Dear xXx, so if you read this, gimme some sign.