Sunday, November 06, 2011

after 3 years struggling with myself

i wish i could back to 3 years ago. when i might not know you. when i might not know what internet is. when i still pure and hangout with my friends cheerfully. maybe i wouldn't end up loving you.
loving you is not a crime, it's normal. it came from the deepest of my heart.
loving you is not a sin, it's legal and humanized.
loving you is my choice. if you plead me and asking me to stop loving you, i just could not.
loving you is my choice, even if you're with the other woman WHICH IS better than me.

truthfully this is my first time hold a heartache so long and so deep. never shared it to anyone. just keep it my self, alone and until numb.
this is not fling, it's long lasting. do you think or considering me as a child or hubbub teenage that have crush on you? how come teenage can loving one person for 3 yrs even she knows that her love is unrequited?

i never ask you to love me or to give your affection to me. i never ask you to be my boyfriend, i still have pride.
i even support you to back to your ex girlfriend, and you do that. i smile outside but i feel painful inside. i am a good pretender.

do you know how happy I am when you replied my chat even just a simple words like 'hey, yes, i'm fine' ?
do you know that i always smile like crazy when you ask me "how have you been? what r u doin these days?"
do you know how curious i am stalking your facebook, reading your status update and comment?
do you know how broken i am when i read you're now is in relationship (again) with her?
do you know how excited i am hearing your story about some geek stuff even i don't know at all?

i wanna blame you but i don't have right to. that's your choice to be with her.
i even wanna scream out loud to you, to say what i feel. to say that i really love you even i don't know the reason.
i even still imagine that we are supposed to be together EVEN I know it would be NEVER HAPPEN, even in the next life.

so what i want to do is just erasing you from my mind. if i could. IF I COULD.

To Mr xxx, just be happy. with her.

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